Contents:

• Quips & Quotes
• Signs you’re not one of the better climbers in town
• Clues your climbing partner might be dangerous
• Signs you've chosen the wrong Mount Everest guide
• How to tell a Power Bar from a Dog Turd
• You Know You're a Trad Climber When...
• Top 10 Excuses for Being a Climber
• Clues You Need a New Partner

• Climbing is hard, but it is easier than growing up.
• No mistakes or big pancakes!
• Make that move or six foot groove!
• What goes up must come down -- hopefully on rappel.
• There were no holds so I had to use skill.
• Place well thy protection lest the earth rise up and swallow thee.
• Remember, if you die we split your gear.
• Quit your job!  Get some stuff.  Go somewhere.  Have some fun!
• C'mon dude!  Pretend you don't suck.

• You climbed 5.8 your first day climbing, and 8 years later a 5.4 lead still scares the bejeezus out of you.
• You're mad that 5.2 doesn't have the a/b/c/d modifiers for better delineating the subtleties of this tricky grade.
• You know every pitch and every move of the Nose, but the most you've ever done is scramble halfway up the 3rd class approach, got scared, and climbed back down.
• The exposure in your local gym terrifies you.
• The only thought you have before a big climb is "How am I gonna get Joe to lead all the pitches?"
• You fall off the front steps of the gym
• You freeze at the crux and the little kids yell at you to "Stop hogging the sliding board"
• People ask if you're a park ranger.
• The best finger jam you've had was when you slammed your hand in the car door.
• You've had to be rescued off a top-rope.
• Your partner regularly hauls you up on a Z-pully.
• Favorite call to your belayer: "Tension!"
• You decide a route is rated 5.2 A0.
• Can't cross the talus field without a belay.
• Your team uses you to "test" for avalanche stability.
• You've chopped the rope with your axe while ice climbing.

• You often hear the faint clinking of Tequila bottles whenever he racks up.
• Complains about cigarette burns making his rope "a bitch" to rappel on.
• Commands such as "Slack" and "Tension" must often be prefaced with "HEY! WAKE UP!".
• Always 20 minutes late because he has to unwind climbing rope from Jeep winch.
• On first night out in double portaledge, awakens you at 3am wondering "hypothetically" if Spectra would be damaged by spilled battery acid.
• Been known to extol the virtues of the high-speed Dulfersitz.
• Uses the words "granny knot" and "bomber" in the same sentence.
• After fifth pitch, asks for water to wash down the Prozac.
• Mentions wanting to buy new pro while thumbing through hardware store sale flyer.
• Prefers clapping to give encouragement while belaying.

• The last three days, all you've had to eat is s'mores.
• Every morning greets the group with, "Wonder who'll die today?"
• Doesn't worry about provisions, as there's bound to be a Starbucks or McDonald's every half mile or so.
• Gets lost in the "Sherpa Shack" gift shop.
• Makes everyone do upside down shots off the St. Bernard's collar.
• First day's preparation devoted entirely to making snow angels.
• Every 10 minutes, stops and yells, "RICOLA."
• Throws a fit when her stiletto heel gets stuck in the ice.
• Has everyone stick their tongues to a cherry popsicle "for practice."
• Keeps repeating, "Is it me, or is it cold up here?"
• Map, schmap -- you see the top from here!!"
• Two words: Golf Clubs.
• Forgets to wear socks with his sandals.
• Keeps using the oxygen tanks to make balloon animals.
• Every so often, turns and screams, "Stop following me!"
• Squeezes your ass then yells, "Hey, if we get stranded we can live off Tubby here for a week!"

• all your draws are 12" long
• your kid climbs harder than you do
• you've worn out a set of cams
• there is scar tissue on the back of your hands
• you shave the back of your hands
• you've got old tape gloves lying around
• you quit sport climbing because you can't do any of the routes
• you see lots of sunrises on your climbing trips
• you say, "what?" when your leader says, "take!" * you can wear your climbing shoes all day
• you enjoy guilt-free eating
• you don't know what your body-fat % is
• you ask your partner how much water to bring along
• you do a first ascent and report the names of both members in your party
• you drop your belay device and you still know how to belay
• you read back-issues of mountain gazette * you know how to turn a crack 'n up into a beak
• you know what a beak is
• you wake up at 2:00am to go climbing
• your drill uses a hammer
• you take a nap in the middle of a climb
• you spend three hours removing a fixed cam
• you don't want beta
• you think a bong is a type of piton
• you remember when climbing gear didn't have springs
• you take a forty footer
• you summit a desert tower
• you still use a gear sling
• there is a holster on your harness
• you rappel six pitches in the dark
• you rappel six pitches in the snow
• you drill from a stance
• you own a hammer and a haul bag
• you have sex on a belay ledge
• you're on day 2 of a sport climbing trip and you can't remember what you did on day 1
• you drop your water bottle and it takes five seconds to hit
• your rack is worth more than your car
• your best memories are from the epics you've had
• you have a great day of climbing then find out you didn't do the route you thought you did
• you spend a night hanging in slings
• you miss work on monday because you epic'd on sunday
• a whole block of chalk fits in your chalk bag * you dump your boyfriend because he just doesn't get it
• you wear out a set of jugs
• you drive all night so you can climb all day
• you drive all night because you climbed all day
• you're up so high the trees look like broccoli
• your rack of pins is heavier than your rack of draws
• your slings have knots in them
• you know who larry penberthy is
• you know the difference between a copperhead and a circlehead
• you think "beta" is a video format
• you can shit and and belay at the same time
• you wear socks in your climbing shoes
• a long approach doesn't discourage you from a good climb
• you coil your rope
• you've set up a belay with the only piece of gear left on your rack
• Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgement. John Fullbright

• As you get ready to rappel down the rope, you look up and watch your partner slowly undo your anchor.
• As you complete the route (on a top-rope) and you say "I'm ready to come down"  your back hits the ground before you can think.
• Your partner says "Lets call it a day." after climbing for 5 minutes.
• On a 5.2 route, your partner says, "OK! I'm ready to come down." not realizing that he is still on the ground.
• He picks a route for you to lead that has 3 pockets that happen to also contain wasp nests.
• He hates to train or practice because it is too hard, yet he also hates to climb because it is too hard.
• In the middle of the climb he drops 1 $60 cam, 2 $8 stoppers, 1 $180 rope, OH YEA! and 1 partner.
• When he hangs on something his arms tear off due to a weight overload.
• He can do -180 pull ups.
• His idea of a training day is sitting on the couch with a movie going as he gorges himself with chips and other high fat foods.
• When in the gym he needs a 100 foot rope so he can reach the snack bar while tied in.
• Pays $10 to get in to the gym, pays $30 for food.
• He keeps chips and other junk food in his chalk bag.  That’s why he always says "Take me while I chalk up!"
• The only way to untie his knots is with a hatchet.

• Power Bars cost $1.75. Dog turds are free.
• Power Bars have shiny wrappers. Dog turds don’t.
• A fly will eat a dog turd. Have you ever seen a fly eat a Power Bar.
• Dog Turds get slippery when wet.
• Power Bars come in five delicious (yeah - right!) flavors. Dog turds only come in one.
• Dog turds won’t damage your lawn mower blade. The jury is still out on Power Bars.
• You won’t find Power Bars all over your favorite hiking trail.
• Dog turds are made of naturally occurring substances.
• Dog turds are biodegradable.
• There was no Dog Turd International Women’s Challenge this year.
• You don’t have to go to Idaho to tour the Dog Turd Factory.
• You can’t use a dog turd as an emergency shoe resole.

• 10. "My spare tire now belongs on a Caterpillar."
• 9. "My Mother-in-law is in town."
• 8. "My boss is in town."
• 7. "My neighbor is in town."
• 6. "I was on the way to the grocery store and suddenly, I was on the side of this mountain!"
• 5. "I'm a masochist."
• 4. "I got addicted back in college."
• 3. "My doctor told me to stop working so hard."
• 2. "No, really. I like Powerbars."
• 1. "The Devil made me do it!"

Beta Tip:

So you've reached the crux again and fallen yet again! When climbing try to rest where you can and climb quickly through the crux until you reach a comfortable resting spot. If need be, from a good rest spot, climb up a ways, place a piece of pro, then down climb to rest. On the next attempt go up all the way or repeat the previous sequence. NOTE: Beth Roddens tips in Rock & Ice magazine May edition.